After Separation
So you are finally separated. Maybe your spouse simply moved out, maybe there was a fight and they left, maybe they took the kids and pulled a runner. Either way its a massive emotional and mental challenge. If things go smoothly, maybe you two can part ways easily. If there are kids involved, things get a heck of a lot messier.
Things to consider when kids are involved:
- Whoever leaves the house and kids behind, will almost certainly not get custody of the children.
- Whoever takes the kids from the house will almost certainly get custody of the children.
- Once the kids are kidnapped to the new household, the parent that is left behind may not be able to see their children again either before or after the divorce.
That last bullet point above turns my heart to ice. It should be chilling you to your bones right now. As I mentioned in the beginning of this article and on the “FIRST DO THIS ASAP” page, whoever has custody can decide what the kids are doing. If the parent with custody after divorce is finalized decides not to let the kids meet the estranged parent, they don’t have to. The courts will not enforce anything after the divorce is finalized.
This also carries over to separation unfortunately. It is not uncommon for the kidnapping parent to refuse visitation or meetings with the parent that is left behind. This is some sort of screwed up mentality that is embedded into Japan and is barely enforceable by the family court. I honestly do not see the sense of parental isolation tactics or removing the non-abducting parent from the children’s lives. Overseas we have joint custody and it works well. Why not here too??
Unfortunately the courts do nothing with this and you are at the abducting parents mercy. Even though you still have custody, you may not meet your kids unless the abducting parent agrees to it. It`s horrible and unfair and completely idiotic. You could call the police but they wont do anything. You are completely at the mercy of the kidnapper. The family courts will try to enforce meetings, but that could be years later. This is why lawyers will generally tread very gently during pre-family court negotiations. Because they are afraid of the parents not being able to see their children. My lawyer said that the offending parent will use this hostage tactic 90% of the time. This is truly the ugly side of separation and divorce.
The minimum visitation by law is once a month during separation. This is almost not able to be enforced by the courts. After divorce is finalized, visitation is not enforced.
In my case my ex is trying for once a month for 3 hours at a time. She has already made excuses and cancelled some monthly visitation saying that the kids are “playing with friends”.
Alright, enough about me, let`s get into some things you can do after separation has occurred.
- breathe
- change your locks within 1 day if your spouse does not return the key
- get copy of juminhyo and marriage certificate from the ward office
- if possible, remove your wife from the juninhyo and keep the kids on there. (If while separated she calls the police on you when you have your kids, show the police the juminhyo without her on it and they can do nothing)
- setup google maps on your phone to automatically track your daily location and route. (You will have proof to police you were not somewhere you shouldn’t be)
- get previous 10 years of transaction history from all accounts you still have access to. If u can get for kids accounts, do so too
- at the children’s center of city hall, state that she is not letting you see your kids. They will do a meeting with you and make a file. You can use it later in court if necessary
- remove sharing settings from any shared digital accounts. iCloud, family shared calendars and reminders
- keep a daily diary / letter to your kids if she kidnaps them prior to divorce . Google docs time stamps things and is easy and free
- write a letter to your children’s schools letting them know that your spouse has abducted your children and that you still retain custody
- change the beneficiary on your will or any insurance accounts you have
- go over the previous 10 years of accounting document and highlight any discrepancies
- buy yourself that one thing that you always wanted but held off on
- printout and frame any pictures of kids that were taken
- Install a motion activated security camera near your door
- Do not tell your spouse any information he/she can use against you (ie. new girlfriend/boyfriend, got a raise at work etc..)
- DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING UNTIL YOU ARE 100% SURE OF THE OUTCOME.